“Do you know how to turn a fruit into a vegetable?” a spandex-clad superhero screamed at a whimpering figure on the floor of the men’s bathroom. A smile seeped onto the superhero’s face. It made the figure on the floor try to turtle up even more, trying to pull his own wizard cloak even closer around him. As if it would offer protection against what was to come. The wizard knew what was coming. It wasn’t the first time.
“With a fist, you fucking faggot!” Superhero tried to punctuate his sentence with a punch aimed for the wizard’s head. Instead, he just ended up hitting his shoulder. Reality just isn’t that neat. Superhero followed up with more punches, some finding their intended target. The law of great numbers did its job, and at the end, the wizard-clad figure on the floor lay mostly still.
Done, superhero grabbed his bottle of soda from the window sill and downed two pints worth of sugar water, resting his back against the wall and staring down at his deed accomplished.
A skin-head wearing a white robe and a set of wings walked in. The angel stopped dead, looking back and forth between the figure on the floor and the superhero with the soda bottle. He finally settled on superhero, “What the shit Joe?” Superhero shrugged then pointed at the now unconscious figure on the floor, “That fucking faggot stared at my cock while I was pissing. Said something about his Wizard staff and that kind of shit.” The angel was nodding, taking a more understanding tone, “Shit man. You’d think these dudes would have their own convention or something. Why do they have to gay shit up at ours?”
“Let’s see if he has any cash on him,” Superhero made to search the pockets of the wizard’s robe. He came up empty. Well, nearly. There were a few blue pills. “What do you think that is?” superhero wondered. Angel shrugged, “Bobby gave me some that looked similar. Was good shit.” Superhero hesitated for a second, then popped three of the pills before offering the rest to angel. Angel waved him off, “I’m good.”
Together they left the men’s room and headed back to the main hall of the cosplay convention. Superhero was still agitated about the bathroom. Not the beating, he had plenty of experience with that. But that ‘one of them’ would come to one of his conferences. These dudes should really stick to their own kind.
He sat in on a panel on how to be a superhero in real life. He picked a seat at the back. He doubted there was much for him to learn in this one. Unlike the other losers in the room, he knew how to take action, how to take matters into his own hands. Two rows ahead of him, he noticed a cute girl in a Japanese school girl outfit. It didn’t take long for the school girl to get a reaction out of him. A rather strong one. “Man, it’s been a while,” superhero muttered. “What?” angel asked, sitting next to him. “That school girl there. She’s hot,” superhero replied. Angel nodded, pressing his lips together.
As the panel went on, superhero started feeling a bit uncomfortable. Sure, he was into that kind of thing, but this was a bit too much. “Fuck. That bitch is giving me a massive hard-on,” he whispered to angel. Angel shifted uncomfortably. Superhero thought that angel was sometimes a bit of a pansy. You’d think he grew up in a monastery. “Guess I’ll be sitting here till the end of the panel… until I can get up again,” Superhero tried to chortle.
Before the end of the panel though, the two pints of soda made themselves and their desire to get out known. Superhero had to pee. Badly. “Fuck.” He shifted out of his seat. Spandex isn’t the greatest material under which to hide an erection, but superhero capes can be adapted. Superhero made his way back to the men’s bathroom. The wizard was gone. The blood was still there. He made for one of the stalls this time around.
It turns out that at some point, an erection is so bad you can’t actually pee. Superhero tried everything. Bending over. Jumping up and down. Nothing helped. Having tried nearly everything else, he shrugged and tried a hand-stand, figuring that he might be able to pee that way. Gravity and all that.
Superhero was inside a stall, hands on the floor, facing the wall, balancing with his feed against the wall while trying to pee with a raging erection. That was the moment he heard the door open. Hopefully, no one had any weird ideas of looking under the stalls, superhero thought.
He was still thinking how silly that would look when he heard the door of his own stall opening. He had forgotten to lock it! Before the superhero could figure out what to say, how to explain, he heard a voice, “Oh look. Another fucking fruit.”
Superhero didn’t get to explain the details of the misunderstanding. As he was about to open his mouth to speak, a steel cap boot connected with the back of his head. Superhero’s world went dark.